Some Things I Wish People Knew

Pal, you once said you like the idea of me being the grouchy pal in this blog. I hope I am living up to your expectations. But just in case I’m not, here’s another one for you – this post ain’t nothin’ but a rant. A grumpy, impatient, judgmental rant.

Some things should go without saying. Some things should be understood by all. But apparently they aren’t.

So here, then, are some things I wish people knew:

You’re not the only one using that door

I could be wrong. Maybe that isn’t the door to the mall. Maybe it really is the magic portal up your own ass. But just in case it isn’t, there is probably someone coming along behind you who plans to use it too. So look behind you. Hold it open. At the very least, swing it wide to facilitate the possible entrance of another. One way or another, recognize that humans other than yourself exist.

Oh, and the flip side of the same coin, if I hold a door open for you, say thanks. I’m not your bloody servant.

How to give change 

My plea to all cashiers – please stop handing me bills with coins perched precariously upon them like little pucks on a little skating rink. There is no need for this slippery balancing act. Please drop the coins into the palm of my hand, then hold out the bills for me to grab.

It’ll be a whole lot less awkward for both of us. Thank-you.

Illegal parking and littering should be treated as serious criminal offences

The guy who chucks his MacDonald’s bag out the car window. The other guy (maybe the same guy) who parks in the handicapped spot. The woman who creates a new spot for herself right in front of the store because she can’t be bothered walking a couple hundred metres, then leaves the engine running while she shops.

They all have one thing in common – they are total douchebags. Engorged with narcissism and a sense of entitlement, and an utter disregard for others. Borderline sociopaths.

Sure, these crimes are not, in and of themselves, heinous. But it’s like when a child is caught meticulously and gleefully plucking apart a live grasshopper – it should be regarded as a disturbing sign. Such conduct must be dealt with swiftly and fiercely. Lifetime ban on driving? $500,000 fine? Year on a chain gang cleaning up highways? I leave it to law-makers to work out the details, but I implore them to send a message. Douchebaggery must be cut off at the knees.

How to behave at an intersection

Two things:

First, this is one time when kindness and generosity are not welcome. If we both approach the 4-way stop and you get there first, don’t wave me through. It’s your right of way. Take it. I know you’re trying to be nice, but intersections require predictability. Your niceness just causes, to quote Sir Topham Hatt, “confusion and delay”. Please cut it out.

Second, if traffic is backed up and you can’t get all the way through the intersection, don’t enter it. I repeat – DON’T ENTER IT! And if you ever do make that mistake, and the light turns red, and you’re caught in the middle of the intersection, and people trying to go the other way have a green but they can’t get around you – don’t gesture to the traffic jam in front of you and make a face like it’s not your fault. It is your fault. You shouldn’t be there in the first place. You screwed up. Do the respectable thing and hang your head in shame.

Personal space is not a luxury, it is a necessity

When I’m waiting in line to get my coffee I should have zero awareness of a physical presence behind me. If I can feel your breath on my neck, or any part of you pressing against my backside, a horrible error has been made. Please, before I am forced to scream, back off.

On a similar note, to the guy in the bathroom who stands right beside me despite having a long line of available urinals to choose from, one word – REALLY?!

Prepare for transactions 

You went into a store…You grabbed some stuff…You stood in line for 10 minutes…You watched the cashier ring everything through…You watched her put your stuff into bags. You had to know this moment was coming, the moment you have to pay.

So why, oh why, are you just now rummaging through your cluttered purse trying to find your debit card? Anticipate, people! Have your money ready – please. There’s a grumpy, impatient, judgmental man behind you, and he is in a hurry.

OK, that’s it. Enough ranting. Pal, I promise for my next post to say something positive and life-affirming. (Maybe.)